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In a rush? Here's the quick run-down.
“I can’t let you push him.”
I was talking to Chantal yet again, her eyes evading mine. “Do you understand what I am saying?” It felt like Chantal was always pushing someone, but I knew that wasn’t true.
I had to remind myself that when I use words like always, it’s because I’m stressed.
Later that day, I sat near Chantal as she played with blocks. “I’m going to make a tall tall tower. Taller than the ceiling,” she said.
I watched as she balanced blocks as the tower was up to her waist. Soon it was above her head. But then Lars ran by, knocking her building down. Chantal yelled and pushed him down. I could see how upset she was. I described her emotions: “You’re mad. You worked hard to make that tower. I can't let you push, but I can help you talk to Lars.”
When Mom picked Chantal up, she asked if she had a good day. I told Mom about the block tower, and how careful Chantal was with each block. Mom told me that with the last early learning program they were at, the educators would share what Chantal had done wrong that day.
When she shared this with me, it was almost as if she was apologizing for what her child would put me through. I vowed to not let Mom feel the need to apologize while Chantal was in my program.
When it comes to children’s behavior in early education, parents should never feel the need to be defensive. Children's learning and growth is a common effort, which requires a trusting relationship between educators and parents.
That sort of parent partnership requires two way communication, reflective practice, patience, and planning. Let’s look at some effective strategies for creating those strong relationships in early education.
A few years earlier, I would have also shared with Mom the number of times Chantal pushed.
But I’ve found that if I truly wanted to help a child learn new ways to interact with peers, I needed to be on the same team as the parent and child. One part of this is changing how you frame a child's day to their parents.
This started in the short moments where I saw parents during pick-up and drop-off. This is an emotional time for a parent and child – even if it’s for a short time, they are separating. Later, they are reuniting. Chantal and her mom should feel good about this separation and reunion.
When Chantal arrives, I ask about what she did at home, or what if there are plans for the weekend. I not only learn about Chantal and her family, but I also assure Mom that I care about Chantal. Even a small positive interaction like this can be the start of larger partnerships with families.
When Mom picks Chantal up, it’s my turn to share stories with Mom about her child's day. I want to focus on the positive things that Chantal did. I want both family members to feel good about being together again. I want to show Mom that I notice her daughter, and I appreciate the things she does. Making Mom feel guilty isn’t going to stop Chantal from pushing — it will only make Mom question whether I like her child.
Reframing these interactions, however brief, are a good starting point for building up your relationships with families in early childhood education.
When I talk about focusing on the positives, that doesn’t mean I never talk to parents about a child’s challenging behavior. But when I do that, I need to follow a few steps that help us approach the issue as a team.
Building these positive relationships takes time and good communication, which is why it's helpful to use a structure to reinforce your approach.
Here are the four steps:
In the paragraphs below, we’ll explore what each step means, and what it looks like.
If you have a concern about a child, write down anecdotal observations of the actions that concern you. Later, when you’re away from your class, review your anecdotes to make sure you’re describing them in a neutral way. Make sure your words describe the actions. Don’t assign a motive or your opinions to the actions.
Now you can reflect on why it bothers you.
Sometimes, after going through this reflective practice, you might decide that your standards and expectations could use adjusting.
If that’s the case, you can address that in different ways:
In my case, I was worried about Chantal pushing. It was important for me to include in my anecdotes what was happening before Chantal pushed. I was able to watch how hard she worked on her block building before Lars knocked it over. I wondered what other situations led to her pushing.
On reflection, I realized I was also unnerved by her refusing to look me in the eye when these incidents happened. On reflection, I realized these were two distinct expectations: not pushing others, and not making eye contact. This would require a support plan.
Before bringing up a concern to a parent, you want to be able to talk about what strategies you’ve already tried to support the child, and what social skills you want to develop. This is to show you’ve given this issue a lot of thought.
Here are a few important considerations to think about:
Once you have identified your strategy, try it out for a week in your classroom environment. Record a few notes and observations to see how it's working. Behavior won’t change overnight, but you should see some improvement. If you don’t see any change in behavior, reflect on why the strategy might not have worked. Can it be adapted? If not, try another strategy based on the child’s strengths and interests.
If you still see no improvement after trying two strategies, it's time to engage families with your efforts. It's important to start these conversations and show that you've already got information gathered. Part of your support plan will help demonstrate that your intention is to support the child, not to tell the family what their child is doing wrong.
In the case of Chantal, I listed her block building skills as a strength. I thought that she lacked words to use when she was upset with other children. So, I used block building to frame more effective communication. When she would push someone, I would suggest she say, “I’m mad!” And then say what made her mad. This strategy did not work as I had hoped.
She would yell, “I’m mad!” As she pushed the other child. I then tried a second strategy, where I tried to join her when I heard her yell to describe why she was mad, but I never seemed to get over to her before she had pushed. I did discover that she was usually engaged in a solo activity just before she pushed.
The partnering conversation will look different depending on if you are discussing a possible cultural disconnect, or if you are referring to a Support Plan. If your conversation is based on a cultural disconnect (a miscommunication or understanding due to cultural differences), the conversation can be informal.
It is best not to have the conversation in front of the child. But if you do, be sure to include the child in the conversation. Let the parent know what your classroom expectation is and ask what the expectation is at home.
In my case, I first talked with Mom one day when she was dropping off Chantal. I had arranged with my co-teacher to cover the room while I walked Mom to her car and asked about eye contact in her family.
I said, “When I was growing up, I showed adults I was listening to them by making eye contact. I am wondering how you let adults know you were listening to them. How does your child show that?” I learned that children only make quick eye contact with adults as a sign of respect. I would have to remember this in my interactions with Chantal.
This is an example of why reflective practice matters so much in this communication, and how we need to consider family backgrounds and differences in our behavior standards.
If your conversation is based on your Support Plan, the conversation will be more formal. You will need to prepare ahead of time. If possible, meet in person and sit on the same side of the table. Have a document for both of you to look at (computer screen or printouts). The conversation will follow the information on the document, which they can take with them after the meeting.
Here is what the document and conversation look like:
In my case, I learned from Chantal’s mom that she often takes on a leadership role with younger cousins. We decided to have Chantal show some other children how to balance blocks. I chose a few children who often use blocks and I joined in as well knowing that Chantal is still developing her ability to include the ideas of others.
The next day we were able to make a tower that reached the ceiling with me putting the top few blocks on. Chantal was now seen as the block expert. She still pushed at times, but she had a lot more practice interacting with others.
You should leave the meeting with a new strategy to try with the child. It may be a strategy that parents try at home as well. Use the strategy for a week, and then check in with the parents about how it is going. Typically, you should see the child exhibiting the behavior that concerned you less frequently.
Some children may need more support than what you can offer in your child care setting. You may need to refer the child to an occupational therapist, special education program or other professional resources. But if you do, the parent knows that you are doing so because you want what is best for the child.
Relationships are the foundation of caring for children. It's important to remember that this includes our relationships with families as well as with the children. We are all on the same team, and our relationships have children's learning, development and well being at the core.
Guidance from the Danish Health Ministry, translated in full to English.
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The full recommendations from a working group of over 70 nursery chains in the UK.
Please note: here at Famly we love sharing creative activities for you to try with the children at your setting, but you know them best. Take the time to consider adaptions you might need to make so these activities are accessible and developmentally appropriate for the children you work with. Just as you ordinarily would, conduct risk assessments for your children and your setting before undertaking new activities, and ensure you and your staff are following your own health and safety guidelines.
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